Ever since Michelle Obama came into the sordid picture (of my love life!) I’ve been doing a lot more baking. I bake to the tune of her heart, which is pumping extra fast to expel all the hot chocolate. All the women who write for allrecipes.com insist that singing or laughing over your baking will make the bread tast like love/home/Gradma/puppies/some of the less sexy First Ladies.

I insist that having a fight over your baking will make the cake a masterpiece of triumph, or despair, or floury angersex on the kitchen floor. I don’t know which, dear bakers, this is up to you. Either way, tasters will clutch their breast and try to keep these strong emotions to themselves. Its not seemly to show such feelings.

That’s why I started my own website, recipestodestroyamerica.com,

which has become such a success that I should be rich, what with representatives from Walmart and Gucci always taking me to lunch and trying to seduce me over the Cristal and pear cobbler to let them advertise on my website their own lines of fashion designed to look as though it was created by crafto-lution-istas in their downtown lofts, fashions inspired by the Indie slogans ‘Rivet till it burns’ and ‘suck my left one.’

Sure, I could take the money and pretend, as have many before me, that all this co-option is actually a hyper-sophisticated element of destroying America, but that would be a lie.

Even Michelle Obama knows this. She told me, this morning, from the bed in the downtown loft apartment  which is also the headquarters for recipestodestroyamerica.com, while she thoughtfully chewed the Cherry USSS (United Soviet Socialist Strudel) I’d heated up for her in the biodeisel powered microwave I had made specially for my onsite recipes. 

Good God! This is more relevant now than ever! Obamas 2012!